How To Get Ready for A Day In The Garden

Roust yourself out of bed and begin searching for your gardening togs. Once you have found them, assuming they're not in the laundry room which can't be entered because that's the dog's sleeping chamber and you don't want to get her up yet, place the clothes upon your body and reassure yourself that that hole in a strategic area of your shorts really isn't that noticeable and you'll be careful not to bend over with your back to the busy street.

Put the water on to boil for coffee, and tell yourself for the 222nd time that you really ought to just use the danged coffeemaker even if it does take up valuable counter space. While water boils, check e-mail, Plurk, Twitter and gardening blogs.

Make coffee and head out, balancing mug in one hand and generous pinch of fish food in other, to feed the fish and take a walk around the gardens. Savor the first sip of coffee, being careful not to inadvertently eat fish food instead.

After feeding fish, spot noxious weeds that must DIE!DIE!DIE! and yank them while sipping. Look around to find where you put the weed bucket for that area and realize you need to deadhead a whole truckload of plants.

Slap at mosquitoes who are unaware that you haven't really started your day in the garden and are therefore off-limits to them. Spill coffee in process of slapping.

Acknowledge that mosquitoes have limited intellectual capabilities and therefore don't understand the rules.

Stand and stare at one particular spot in the garden. Contemplate. Slap another mosquito and return to house to fix another cup of coffee, eat breakfast and read paper.

[INTERMISSION during which above activities are accomplished.]

Unable to resist lure of computer, stop at desk to check e-mail and Plurk. Make self step away without answering anything.

Unlock front door, removing "good" clogs as you do, step out door and into garden clogs, open front gates. Remind self you need to put on insect repellent to discourage the wee beasties.

Remember that bucket with garden tools is in back, walk all the way around the house and go through back gate to find tools.

Stop to admire the view from the gate and sigh in delight at the beauty you see. While squinting, realize that wearing visor would be a good idea. Go inside to find visor. Stay well away from computer. Realize that you need gloves, as well.

Put on gloves, then recall that you never did put on insect repellent. Take gloves off and apply OFF. Put gloves back on.

Find keys to truck so you can move it and unload the bags of soil. Discover that it's hard to put key in ignition with gloves on. While taking them off, think to yourself that it might be a good idea to make a visit to the necessary room.

Upon exiting necessary room, see that dog needs to go out. Let her out in the back and think about what you can do out there until she's ready to go in, since she had surgery recently and shouldn't be left unattended.

Putter in back while dog does her thing. Remember that you need to move that tool bucket out front before moving truck, so leave dog briefly to walk through house with bucket. On way to put tools outside, pass rolling plant saucer that has been sitting by the front door since Hurricane Ike and think to self you really need to do something with the 2 pairs of pruners, hammer, sprinkler, fairy house and disgruntled fairy that are lying on said saucer.

Return to back and look for dog. Call dog several times before she limps into sight. As she makes her way inside, hear cardinal calling and realize that bird feeders are empty. Put dog in house and go out to garage to get birdseed.

Fill feeders, apologize to birds for not doing it sooner, pause for a moment to watch a butterfly in flight. Return to garage, put up seed bucket, find keys in pocket and move truck out front.

Think to self that unloading and spreading soil does not really feel like gardening. Give self stern talking to and FINALLY ... start day in garden!